"Baby, you know something? My teeth are fairer than your skin! HA HA HA HA HA HA..."
DAY: 69
Conversation:
J: I know you love me baby, but I don't know why... what did you even see in me?
P: Not again J... please know...
J: You know what, I'm a CHOCOLATE BOY! I look chocolaty for being in the chocolate color :D
P: Yeah right. And together we look like Dairymilk and Milkybar :P
J: Exactly! HA HA HA... YUMMY!
P: So, got your answer baby?
J: Yeah, you love me because you love chocolates! :D
P: I love you more than I love chocolates J :)
J: But…. Baby, you know something? My teeth are fairer than your skin! HA HA HA HA...
P: HA HA HA HA HA... Muaaaaaah :*
DAY: 01
They met, for the first time, spoke, laughed, exchanged numbers and then, like most of the stories, their story commenced (Jet speed).
DAY: 12
P: Oh God! You are crazy! Btw J, I Love You too :) But no feelings, right? We are just friends, right?
J: Of course! I love you Kiddoo... no feelings :)
DAY: 15
J left the city. [relocated to a different state]
DAY: 30
[2 hrs 58 mins call]
J: I miss being there... :( When I come, just sleep on my heart and grab some hugs and kisses on your forehead and cheeks.
P: Come back soon. :( I really miss you baby...
J: I miss you more love! Just a few more days... I'll be there...
P: I'll wait :( Good night.
DAY: 45
They finally met. (second time)
He arrived, she hugged.
P: I'm not leaving you. I felt warm and safe in your arms. Haven't felt this any time before... you held me just how a mother holds a baby. Baby, I love you beyond words.
J: Where will I go kiddooo? I wouldn't go even if you ask me to. And btw, I love you more...
DAY: 60
[4 hrs 49 mins call]
J: I only love you more... liar!
P: No...! I love you more!
J: Nope, I love you more…
P: Can I say something J? I feel like kissing you… don’t know why… may be feelings… is this love?
J: But baby, we decided not to get feelings and commitments in between right? Like, you know I don’t want relationships, commitments or feelings, right?
P: Yeah J, it’s the same thing with me as well. Even I don’t want any commitments or get into any relationship. I don’t want to be anyone’s gf or wife… I just shared what I felt like. WE are close enough for me to be open to you right? And don’t worry, I’ll try to get over this and not let my feelings bother you…
J: Yeah Baby, its fine. All cool.
P: Good night J 😊
J: Good night 😊
DAY: 63
J: Baby, I realized I too have feelings for you… I love you so much, I love you my Baby! But I’m scared. I never thought this would happen…
P: God! Only you could do this to me… you took so long to tell me which I probably already knew… I love you too so much J… I really do :”) You have no idea what you have gifted to me J! I now love you a little more than yesterday!
J: I really want you… I want you in my life. I never laughed so much with anyone in years. I never realized what place you occupied in my heart until yesterday…
P: Aww someone’s sounding romantic and irresistibly cute :D
J: HA HA HA… :* :* :* :* :* :*
P: Aye! [blushing]
J: Muuaah! Good night Love [a million virtual hugs]
P: This one’s for you J… I love you 😊
I have thought about these quite many times
Why do you do this to me?
Why do I trip on you each time?
Who is the reason? You or Me?
That 3mm curve beside your lower lip,
I trip on it each time you smile.
That perfect shape of your brows in calm,
That's where my heart and I lie.
Those seductive pheromones you carry,
Those curled strands on your chest...
I trip on you every time you come close
I admit, on you, I am longing to fest.
I think of your cheeks brushing mine,
I fall in awe with the feel of your beard
I trip every time on the beats of your heart
I trip on everything about you that's weird.
I trip on those jellylicious deep eyes of yours
I trip on the bush you carry on your head
I trip on everything that's of yours
I keep tripping on all that you said.
They say it's insane, but I don't care. I am high!
Who would know you're more addictive than a drug
Who've given wings and sent my heart to fly!
J: You are just the best! You make me feel so special all the time. I’m way too lucky to have you.
P: I love you too 😊
DAY: 75
J: I need to tell you something. I realized I don’t have feelings for you. It’s lust. Like when I say I love you and hug you or take care of you it’s just like a friend... how I be with other friends of mine. But when I romance or wish to express myself physically, I realized it’s lust. I’m sorry… hope you understand. Can’t we just be friends? It was all perfect back then.
P: 😊 That’s fine J. I’m glad that you have been honest. I really respect you for that. But see, I have feelings for you and I need some time to get over and settle up so that I can gift you back your friend. And don’t worry, I’ll be okay.
J: You are just the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you so much for understanding and not forcing me into something I don’t wish for.
P: 😊 Always 😊
DAY: 77
[1 hr 03 mins call]
P: Why the hell do you keep asking that same fucking question J?
J: Because now I really wanna know why do you love me?
P: Understand, please, I really have no reason. You should be happy that I love you without reasons, without conditions, without expectations…
J: You only told me that love is a science and now you only say there is no reason… how the hell can you contradict yourself so much?
P: Look, I know I’ve said that. And yes, Love is definitely a science. I meant and said it in that way because love involves a lot of psychological, biological aspects in it. It’s a science because there are neurotransmitters, hormones, chemistry, biology, physics and every fucking science involved in it. There is science behind why I feel it in a way when you touch me and not when someone else does. Is this explanation enough? And when I say I don’t know the reason why I love you so much, its because I have nothing in specific like I love you because you look good, you are nice, you are this or that… there is just no reason… I love you for who ever and what ever you are… [deep breath, sigh]
J: You are nothing but a lonely person and when I started caring, you fell in love because you don’t have anyone in your life… no friend or anyone… when I started being close and nice, you say you have feelings. And you were the one who said let’s not get feelings in between. You can’t stick to your words as well.
P: What the hell J? How could you just judge me for being honest and opening up to you and sharing my fears, experiences and my secrets with you? How can you even say this to me?
J: I said what is true okay?
P: That’s no where near to the truth. Sorry but you haven’t understood me. I don’t know why instead of being happy to be loved you are even fighting with me?
J: I’m not fighting okay? I’m just trying to gain my clarity.
P: Is this how you gain clarity? By judging me and blaming me J?
J: You talk so much about maturity and all… see how like a kid you are talking.
P: Oh! So, in normal situations you can pamper me and call me a kiddo and treat me like a child but when I speak truth, you wanna raise finger on that as well. Aren’t you contradicting yourself? Anyway, can we just end this here J? Why do we even need this? I agreed to be friends with you again, right? What else do you need?
J: Just tell me the truth.
P: Why would I even lie to you? What truth are you talking about?
J: Tell me why you love me?
P: UKW J, I’m done with this crap. I have answered this hundred fucking times already and for one last time, Listen, I have no reasons to love you.
J: [tone: aggressive] How can you even talk to me like?
P: [tone: aggressive] Ukw, just get out of my life. I have had enough of this emotional draining and crap for years. Not again. Just Fuck off!
J: How dare you……..
[call cut, J blocked]
DAY:78
-J unblocked-
DAY: 79
Voice note no.1 recorded
“It’s been 2 days J… I never thought that I’ll lose you. Why does it all just feels like the worst nightmare… and you know, I feel, when I wake up, everything will be fine and you’ll again be mine. I love you J. ☹ I miss you more than ever!” [tears rolled down]
DAY: 81
Voice note no.16 recorded
“It’s almost gonna be a week J, aren’t you missing me? Am I the only one who is suffering this ache? You loved me too, right? Was it all a lie? Was it all really lust? I ended staring at our WhatsApp chat screen for some hours… didn’t receive your ping. It hurts J… please come back before it hurts more… before this kills me in real. I miss you more than I miss just anything in my life… Your baby loves you… your kiddo needs you… wants you… come back… please come back…[tears]”
DAY: 84
Voice note no.28 recorded
“J, you know, today I made pancakes… and reached college early and had my breakfast, lunch, dinner and everything on time. I’m being a good and responsible girl. Please come back at least now. Please come and pat my back and say you are proud of me ☹ please ask me if I am eating on time and sleeping on time… please make me sleep on your heart ☹ Talk to me… fight… scold… but come back… [crying] please J… I feel suffocated… come back… I miss you. Btw, today everyone said I looked really beautiful. I clicked some pictures to share with you but you aren’t there. You said you’ll not leave me even if I do… why did you lie? Why J… You always said you love me more… was that a lie too? [tears]”
DAY: 87
Voice note no.41 recorded
“I learnt a new song J… you loved it every time I sang for you know. Once you are back, I’ll sing this for you. I’m pretty excited to sing this to you. Btw, I have put on half a kilo weight… HA HA HA! But this time when I laughed, I missed you even more ☹ I’m waiting for the day when we’ll insanely, madly and unstoppably laugh together again – just our ROFL moments… ”
DAY: 90
Voice note no.54 recorded
“I’m glad to have a call recorder and the entire night I have only heard your voice… your laughter… your pjs… but do you know the difference? This time, I didn’t laugh along… I rather cried… why did you give me this pain J? I only loved you… nothing more… please say all this is a dream and wake me up to a beautiful reality”
DAY: 94
Voice note no.70 recorded
“J, I think I’ve fallen in love with you all over again [blush] I was reading our chat from the beginning… didn’t know what else to do when I was missing you. Btw, forgot to tell, I fell from the bed today in sleep… it was some weird dream I think... but ssshhhhhhh it’s a secret between us… Aw and I realised we don’t have a picture together. Let’s get clicked together soon. But Love, for that you need to come back ☹ You’ll come back right?”
DAY: 97
Voice note no.89 recorded
“Well, Mr. J… I’ve a news for you… I THINK NOW I AM READY TO GIVE YOU BACK YOUR FRIEND. I love you J, that’s the truth. The same truth gives me the strength to be your best friend. I swear J, I never wanted to be your gf. I really felt shattered when my love for you was insulted and questioned. But now I’m okay… all ready for you 😊 You are a part of me… you are my best friend…”
-song recorded-
-tears wiped-
-smiled-
DAY: 100
Voice note no.101 recorded
“That’s it. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t know where have I lost myself after losing you. I can’t pretend to be strong anymore… I don’t wanna live with this pain. J, you and our bond to me is above my ego, self-respect and every fucking thing in this world. I love you and I love myself as well. I can’t punish myself further to death. I wish to live with you and grow older, not die for you. I wanna live. I’m not giving up on you Okay J?”
-Called J-
-CRIED-
-SPOKE-
[2 mins 01 sec]
P: I’m really sorry J… if you really think it was all my fault ☹ but just come back. I promise to be just a friend.
J: Hmm… Ok
P: Only if I knew you were waiting for an apology, I’d have done this long back. Thanks for agreeing to talk 😊
DAY: 102
J: Good morning 😊
P: Good morning :D
[an informal formal talk]
DAY: 108
They met. (third time)
He arrived.
She hugged.
He kissed her head.
Her heart smiled.
She dug herself into his chest.
He held her tight.
She smiled.
He smiled.
-most comfortable silence of 25 odd mins-
-best day of her life-
DAY: 117
P: I’m scared of being the girl I was before everything went wrong. I don’t wanna lose you once again. I used to speak my mind to you… but now it scares me ☹
J: Chill. Just be yourself. Be the one you always were. You’ll not be judged.
P: I trust you. Thank you. YAAAAAAAY! Happy Independence Day to Me!
DAY: 120
ALL THE VOICE NOTES DELETED
- - 0 - - 😊 - - 0 - -
Some say love hurts while some say it heals. What it does to whom, time decides.
Loving someone unconditionally is the best you can give them but loving yourself unconditionally is the least which is done. When it comes to someone else, when it comes to ‘the one’ in our lives, we are OK to take every pain, every challenge, every hardship but what about our ignored self?
In the 100 days of love, friendship and every thing in between them, I’ve learnt the best lessons. It isn’t hard to prioritize others. What’s challenging is, how well we prioritize ourselves while being there for others. Love, surely isn’t something that makes you weak, diverts you from your goal, gives you pain or ruins your life. Such experiences happen when the person is wrong or when the situations are not in our favor.
Heard of a parent’s love, friend’s love, sibling’s love become a hurdle? No right? Just in the same way, if the love you found is meant for you, it will only strengthen you, heal you and uplift you. Letting go, might be really tough, but you cannot see your baby without undergoing labor. You cannot learn riding a bicycle without falling. You cannot truly succeed if you don’t know what failure is. Be proud to be in pain. Be proud that you experienced something unusual, something hurtful. It just makes you more of a human. It proves that you have had emotions and you have felt it all. See, breathe and get conscious about it. Get conscious about the fact that you have learnt something that’s not in books and now you are a better, wiser and a stronger person.
We love, we care, we live, we share, we are meant for all that’s coming our way. If you think you are done with your life, just look around, you might just find the purpose, the door to unlock happiness, right around the corner. Expecting a solution without trying to solve, wanting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with shut eyes isn’t possible. When we don’t give up in loving that ‘someone special’, how can we fairly give up on ourselves? Does love, like an insurance policy, comes with terms and conditions?
No, it doesn’t.
No, it doesn’t.
Why complicate lives and why build the walls? Why greed the success and why fear the falls? Why wire the cages? Why chain the soul? Dear you, fear not, just remember, it’s absolutely OK to fall, to fail, to lose, to love, to live. Remember, always, with every experience, You and I are just growing. Why fill up the not so short lives of ours with pain, regret and remorse when we, since the beginning know that
WE LIVE ONLY ONCE.
WE LIVE ONLY ONCE.
#WLOO
Preneeja Peelukhana
